A saber?!

I have been slacking in writing in my journal not really because I have been lazy nor too busy but merely because life taunts me and haunts me and has me so roped up and choked in confusion. I know that I need to take a few deep breathes, calm down, and hand my life over to destiny. Every minute, I try to think and plan it out: review all options in my mind, trying so hard to predict where the best outcome and memories would be. I feel like my life is the sumation of all my choices and I forget all about the possibility or reality of other forces such as God or destiny. I feel like if I choose the "right" decisions, I will have more influence over others and have a purposeful meaningful life. Clearly, I worry that my decision to join Peace Corps and leave my family was a mistake. I wonder if my influence could be greater at home. Clearly, I might be more productive in definition of having a routine rushing to and from work, appointments, driving my car to save time on transportation... But really, having a filled agenda and a set routine doesn`t create a grand influence in the world, or maybe it does?! But so does having a conversation over coffee with my Honduran neighbors: crossing cultures, knowing, feeling, and experiencng the truth that humans are really all humans despite differences in color, language, and customs. And you ask me how I know this? How do I know that these Burnos dias, como esta, bien gracias, que pedos, todo masizo conversations actually count and make some kind of a difference? I know because it makes a difference in my own life. These conversations signify connection : one person connecting to another, sharing a moment together feeling empathy enough to ask Como esta, wait for an answer, shake a real firm handshake, meet my eyes with their eyes... It means a lot to me. If for nothing else in that moment, I feel as if everything is ok. I am with another, understood by another, accepted and respected by another. I guess in this random, heavy thought process, I have concluded that it doesn`t matter where I am. Life is not so concrete as my moment by moment decisions like I tend to think. Controlling my overall influence and impact on others, destiny is silent and calm, guiding the chain of events. I need to let go and live the truth that influence is invisible to me as to others and even unconscious at times. Influence is a part of destiny or another realm and dimension that we humans cannot see, hear, smell, touch, or imagine. And that is hard to accept for many of us in Peace Corps. We are here because we care and we want to influence, help, and change others. The problem lies in expecting and wanting to see the influence we have created. Influence is not our own, rather it is a part of a whole spectrum that is bigger than us and our own concpetion. A word that someone has said, a phrase in an article, an event, could influence you or act differently in a situation which could therefore change somebody else`s ideas, acts, or choices. Influence, therefore, continues in a silent chain reaction.
While I secretly hope some word or phrase I`ve written here will influence your thoughts or at least touch you, I`ll never know. To some my written thoughts will be a pile of words on a page never read, to others a pile of words read yet still meaningless, and to some of you they will spark a feeling or reaction. I´ll never know just as we will never know our influence and impact in our peace corps service. I think I will go to bed now. I am too tired to influence anyone or even think about it anymore. Buenas Noches!